From Fasting to Feasting

For years and years the phrase "I AM..." has been what I call the "phrase of creation." To me it is the phrase that is the "abracadabra" of life. Abracadabra is a Hebrew word. It means - in a very loose translation - I create what I speak. "I am" followed by whatever we say is an internal command to our body, our thing that we have god-like command over, our second estate. This body obeys what I tell it to do. It obeys my emotions, those things to which I most deeply attune. It obeys my words when I truly believe the things I say. "I am tired...I am fat...I am lonely...I am...." My body and my life obey that which I speak into existence. These thoughts have all come as a result of studying the idea that God, when announcing Himself to the children of Israel through Moses, told Moses to tell them "I AM hath sent me." For the next six months, I've decided I'm going to dedicate 35 days of study to each of the first ...

I was struggling. A lot. There were moments of peace. Moments where I wasn’t feeling completely heavy. Mostly though, I put on a brave face. I walked around and smiled and returned to life as normal…because, well, what else was I supposed to do?  But there was nothing normal about my life and how I was feeling. I had a million questions. What about our sealing? Do I still want that? Was it all really just mental illness? Or was there a lot of just foul temper in there too? Who can know for sure…they both look so much the same.  There were days and days of debate within my heart. Hours and hours of wondering if I wanted to be sealed to this man for all of eternity or if I wanted to seek another relationship with someone who would be an actual partner in life. I had dreams about Cory. I had dreams about finding someone who was kind and gentle. Those two dreams were never the same night. It was never Cory who was the someone who was kind and gentle. It was always some ot...

In Mosiah 11:17-19, we read: 17 And king Noah sent guards round about the land to keep them off; but he did not send a sufficient number, and the Lamanites came upon them and killed them, and drove many of their flocks out of the land; thus the Lamanites began to destroy them, and to exercise their hatred upon them. 18 And it came to pass that king Noah sent his armies against them, and they were driven back, or they drove them back for a time; therefore, they returned rejoicing in their spoil. 19 And now, because of this great victory they were lifted up in the pride of their hearts; they did boast in their own strength, saying that their fifty could stand against thousands of the Lamanites; and thus they did boast, and did delight in blood, and the shedding of the blood of their brethren, and this because of the wickedness of their king and priests.  As I was pondering on those verses this morning, I was reminded of how very much like King Noah and his p...

Having experienced much of what could be termed abuse in my life, I have sought deeply to understand the truth of man and woman that I might heal and have whole relationships.  There are some truths which are hard to hear and some truths which cause rejoicing when heard.  The particular truths I desire to share here, if a person is not ready to hear them, will sound very wrong and hard to hear.  So before you read further, I ask that you pause and consider whether or not you are willing and ready to read my words as I intend them, giving them my meaning and not adding your own on top of them.  If you are not in a healthy space with masculine and feminine truths, if there is bitterness or anger in you, please pause and consider coming back to this post another time.  Otherwise, this post may incite you and cause anger to rise in your heart because you won't be ready to understand the true meaning of these words. That very long disclaimer said, if you choose to ...

A treatise on words and creation. The words we use convey meaning. Sometimes this meaning is powerful and deep. Other times this meaning hurts and is painful. The meanings may fill us with joy. Still, other times it fills us with dread. How? How can words have such powerful meaning? How do words start and end wars? How do words make or break relationships? How does someone not saying a particular phrase bring peace or pain? Why do we share words with each other? Is it not, in it’s essence, for connection? Words help us understand each other. They propound to others that which is internal and unseeable, unknowable in any other way. Words are one of the highest expressions because they allow me to convey my brightest or most noble thoughts, my base and shameful feelings, my fears and triumphs, my sorrows and my joys; words allow me to take all of these abstract things which do not exist in reality and carry them forth into a moment and make them known to all who hear me. Words, in pe...