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Jesus Wept

This week, within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are discussing the eleventh chapter of John. There is an interpretation within these verses that has always been a source of struggle for me. Not because I couldn't understand but because what I understood was so contrary to everyone I've ever heard speak of those words.

When I read the words "Jesus wept" I do not believe he was weeping for the loss of Lazarus. It is contrary to everything else within that chapter and within the character of who He was in His mortal life. The first time I heard my mother expounding on the Lord's compassion for the loss of Lazarus, something inside of me said, "NO! That is false." But I didn't know why and I couldn't articulate what it was. It just felt wrong.

As years passed and I grew in understanding of the scriptures, I became able to articulate why I felt that interpretation was false. But NO ONE else was saying anything other than the sam…
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I Cut My Hair

I was struggling. A lot. There were moments of peace. Moments where I wasn’t feeling completely heavy. Mostly though, I put on a brave face. I walked around and smiled and returned to life as normal…because, well, what else was I supposed to do? 
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I needed to go to the temple. But this would be my first time back to the temple since he died and I had all kinds of feelings about it. When it came down to it, I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I also needed to prepare a Sunday School lesson for my class, practice my song that I would be singing in Sacrament meeting, fold and put away my laundry, clean and vacuum my home, and I needed to eat something...because it was nearly 1:00 in the afternoon. But I just kept thinking, if I get out of bed, what I really should do is go to the temple b…

Family Search

I was putting away some papers this morning and I had forgotten about a pile of papers that were on top of the bin. As I pulled it down off the shelf, the papers on top fell to the ground. And a wave crashed over me as I sank to the floor and cried.

I had pulled the papers out to mail to Cory. They were his mission call, his mission release, and his priesthood line of authority papers. Things I knew he'd want that I didn't throw away. Things I meant to mail to him back in October when we talked about it over the phone. Things I meant to mail again in December when I pulled them out of the bin and set them on top of it. But then they were forgotten up there.

I reached out to my friend. She was with me when I had pulled the papers out and ached. She was at work, but she texted and offered comfort and solutions. Maybe connect them with his Family Search information?

Family Search.

I stop breathing.

One more place to write down that he is dead...a place that feels more final to me…

My life ended 10 days ago and then it started again.

Cory. The first time I met him and he told me his name, five minutes later I called him "Cody." And that is how we began, with me hurting his feelings because I remembered the wrong name.

Twenty years and 3 months and one day after that first meeting, he died. I can hardly believe the life I've lived in those 20 seems we packed an eternity of experiences - both good and awful - into those two decades.

We were engaged the day we met. Four months later we were married. Thirteen years later we divorced. Two years after that, we were married again. Four years (plus a little) later, divorced again. Ten months, three weeks, and five days later, he was dead.

The first divorce, I didn't know it was mental illness. One moment he was loving and the best man I'd ever known. The next moment he was scary and someone I was afraid to be around. He would apologize and I would believe him when he told me he would not do it again. I would immediately extend trust and we …

If ye are prepared...

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17 And king Noah sent guards round about the land to keep them off; but he did not send a sufficient number, and the Lamanites came upon them and killed them, and drove many of their flocks out of the land; thus the Lamanites began to destroy them, and to exercise their hatred upon them.
18 And it came to pass that king Noah sent his armies against them, and they were driven back, or they drove them back for a time; therefore, they returned rejoicing in their spoil.
19 And now, because of this great victory they were lifted up in the pride of their hearts; they did boast in their own strength, saying that their fifty could stand against thousands of the Lamanites; and thus they did boast, and did delight in blood, and the shedding of the blood of their brethren, and this because of the wickedness of their king and priests.
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Masculine and Feminine

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