From Fasting to Feasting

 In the very first verse of the Book of Mormon we learn that what we are about to read is written by an old man, reviewing his life and choosing out of his life the experiences which taught him that which was most essential in order to achieve the thing he felt was of the most worth. What is the first thing that Nephi teaches us? We find it in verses 4-5:  4 For it came to pass in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah, (my father, Lehi, having dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days); and in that same year there came many prophets, prophesying unto the people that they must repent, or the great city Jerusalem must be destroyed. 5 Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Lehi, as he went forth prayed unto the Lord, yea, even with all his heart, in behalf of his people. In other words, when big “P” Prophets speak, little “p” prophets get on their knees.  This is the first lesson Nephi gives us and as he writes, he repeats the essential, basi...

 We live in a society that is focused on perfection - either a person is a perfectionist or they shun perfectionism. Our definition of perfection is toxic and painful and harmful. In Hebrew, where we read that Abraham was commanded to be perfect, or that Noah was a “perfect man in his generation” the word “perfect” means something different than our modern definition of that word. When reading in Hebrew, you have to take each word one letter at a time because each letter is so full of meaning. After studying that word for a very long time, I began to see it form into something different than I expected. I had often heard people refer to the number “7” in Hebrew as the definition of perfect - meaning whole and complete. But even this misses the mark. It is only a portion of the definition and it gives the wrong impression of the word. The word “perfect” is hard to articulate, because I don’t know if you understand each word I use in the way I use it or if you are defining it differe...

  “Whom shall he teach a knowledge ? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are b weaned from the c milk , and drawn from the breasts. For precept must be upon precept, a precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little…” Isaiah 28:9-10 God, from the beginning of the fall of Adam and Eve, instituted the eternal laws of progression; a pattern for learning. There is an order to progression. It comes the same way for every one of us, from the least to the greatest. We are taught that even Jesus Christ, our Savior and Mediator, learned in this fashion. He did not have a fullness at first, but learned line upon line. (Luke 2:40, Doctrine and Covenants 93:12-14) Thus the pattern was established that we should grow into our gifts, our purposes for being on this earth, and our eternal progressions. Understanding that this is the way our Father in Heaven works, I have always struggled with the idea that Joseph Smith was a pro...

For years and years the phrase "I AM..." has been what I call the "phrase of creation." To me it is the phrase that is the "abracadabra" of life. Abracadabra is a Hebrew word. It means - in a very loose translation - I create what I speak. "I am" followed by whatever we say is an internal command to our body, our thing that we have god-like command over, our second estate. This body obeys what I tell it to do. It obeys my emotions, those things to which I most deeply attune. It obeys my words when I truly believe the things I say. "I am tired...I am fat...I am lonely...I am...." My body and my life obey that which I speak into existence. These thoughts have all come as a result of studying the idea that God, when announcing Himself to the children of Israel through Moses, told Moses to tell them "I AM hath sent me." For the next six months, I've decided I'm going to dedicate 35 days of study to each of the first ...

This week, within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are discussing the eleventh chapter of John. There is an interpretation within these verses that has always been a source of struggle for me. Not because I couldn't understand but because what I understood was so contrary to everyone I've ever heard speak of those words. When I read the words "Jesus wept" I do not believe he was weeping for the loss of Lazarus. It is contrary to everything else within that chapter and within the character of who He was in His mortal life. The first time I heard my mother expounding on the Lord's compassion for the loss of Lazarus, something inside of me said, "NO! That is false." But I didn't know why and I couldn't articulate what it was. It just felt wrong. As years passed and I grew in understanding of the scriptures, I became able to articulate why I felt that interpretation was false. But NO ONE else was saying anything other than the ...

I was struggling. A lot. There were moments of peace. Moments where I wasn’t feeling completely heavy. Mostly though, I put on a brave face. I walked around and smiled and returned to life as normal…because, well, what else was I supposed to do?  But there was nothing normal about my life and how I was feeling. I had a million questions. What about our sealing? Do I still want that? Was it all really just mental illness? Or was there a lot of just foul temper in there too? Who can know for sure…they both look so much the same.  There were days and days of debate within my heart. Hours and hours of wondering if I wanted to be sealed to this man for all of eternity or if I wanted to seek another relationship with someone who would be an actual partner in life. I had dreams about Cory. I had dreams about finding someone who was kind and gentle. Those two dreams were never the same night. It was never Cory who was the someone who was kind and gentle. It was always some ot...

In Mosiah 11:17-19, we read: 17 And king Noah sent guards round about the land to keep them off; but he did not send a sufficient number, and the Lamanites came upon them and killed them, and drove many of their flocks out of the land; thus the Lamanites began to destroy them, and to exercise their hatred upon them. 18 And it came to pass that king Noah sent his armies against them, and they were driven back, or they drove them back for a time; therefore, they returned rejoicing in their spoil. 19 And now, because of this great victory they were lifted up in the pride of their hearts; they did boast in their own strength, saying that their fifty could stand against thousands of the Lamanites; and thus they did boast, and did delight in blood, and the shedding of the blood of their brethren, and this because of the wickedness of their king and priests.  As I was pondering on those verses this morning, I was reminded of how very much like King Noah and his p...

Having experienced much of what could be termed abuse in my life, I have sought deeply to understand the truth of man and woman that I might heal and have whole relationships.  There are some truths which are hard to hear and some truths which cause rejoicing when heard.  The particular truths I desire to share here, if a person is not ready to hear them, will sound very wrong and hard to hear.  So before you read further, I ask that you pause and consider whether or not you are willing and ready to read my words as I intend them, giving them my meaning and not adding your own on top of them.  If you are not in a healthy space with masculine and feminine truths, if there is bitterness or anger in you, please pause and consider coming back to this post another time.  Otherwise, this post may incite you and cause anger to rise in your heart because you won't be ready to understand the true meaning of these words. That very long disclaimer said, if you choose to ...

A treatise on words and creation. The words we use convey meaning. Sometimes this meaning is powerful and deep. Other times this meaning hurts and is painful. The meanings may fill us with joy. Still, other times it fills us with dread. How? How can words have such powerful meaning? How do words start and end wars? How do words make or break relationships? How does someone not saying a particular phrase bring peace or pain? Why do we share words with each other? Is it not, in it’s essence, for connection? Words help us understand each other. They propound to others that which is internal and unseeable, unknowable in any other way. Words are one of the highest expressions because they allow me to convey my brightest or most noble thoughts, my base and shameful feelings, my fears and triumphs, my sorrows and my joys; words allow me to take all of these abstract things which do not exist in reality and carry them forth into a moment and make them known to all who hear me. Words, in pe...