From Fasting to Feasting

I was struggling. A lot. There were moments of peace. Moments where I wasn’t feeling completely heavy. Mostly though, I put on a brave face. I walked around and smiled and returned to life as normal…because, well, what else was I supposed to do?  But there was nothing normal about my life and how I was feeling. I had a million questions. What about our sealing? Do I still want that? Was it all really just mental illness? Or was there a lot of just foul temper in there too? Who can know for sure…they both look so much the same.  There were days and days of debate within my heart. Hours and hours of wondering if I wanted to be sealed to this man for all of eternity or if I wanted to seek another relationship with someone who would be an actual partner in life. I had dreams about Cory. I had dreams about finding someone who was kind and gentle. Those two dreams were never the same night. It was never Cory who was the someone who was kind and gentle. It was always some ot...

I was going to go to the temple one Saturday. See, about a month before Cory passed, the Oakland temple closed for at least a year. So getting to the temple isn't as easy as it used to be. I planned to go to the Fresno temple while visiting friends a couple of weeks ago. But it was closed for it's two-week cleaning. Then I tried to go with a friend to the Sacramento temple but traffic made it so that we didn't make the session. I needed to go to the temple. But this would be my first time back to the temple since he died and I had all kinds of feelings about it. When it came down to it, I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I also needed to prepare a Sunday School lesson for my class, practice my song that I would be singing in Sacrament meeting, fold and put away my laundry, clean and vacuum my home, and I needed to eat something...because it was nearly 1:00 in the afternoon. But I just kept thinking, if I get out of bed, what I really should do is go to the temple ...

As we continue on with the conversation of Jacob in preparing us to understand the Olive Tree Allegory, he begins to tell us the real purpose for the truths he is going to make known to us. In verses 11, Jacob is telling us to reconciled to Christ, that we might obtain a resurrection in Christ, "...and be presented as the first-fruits of Christ unto God, having faith, and obtained a good hope of glory in him before he manifesteth himself in the flesh."  In other words, we are to be reconciled to God through Christ, by way of the Atonement of the Savior.  What do these words mean?  Application and personal receiving of the Atonement into our hearts for sure.  But there is more to it than that.  Jacob goes from speaking of reconciliation to the stumbling of the Jews to being filled with the spirit of prophecy to teaching the parable of the olive tree.  This, it would seem, is the answer to what it means to be reconciled to Christ and to God through the Ato...

My entire life I remember hearing the story of Mary and Martha.  All growing up we were taught about Mary choosing "the better part" and somehow that was translated into the work of upkeeping a home is not important - or is at least lessor work.  Somehow, someone somewhere said that Martha's work of making food or cleaning or whatever she was actually doing in that moment was far less important than Mary, sitting at the Savior's feet and learning. Martha became defined as a woman who lacked faith while Mary was a woman of great faith.  Chores became defined as menial tasks which are done by those who are of lessor faith than those who seek out the Lord. Today, I'd like to explain the way I see what the Lord was saying to Mary and Martha that day when Martha complained that Mary was not helping with the work. First, the Lord did not say Mary had chosen the better task.  He said she had chosen the "good part." Let's review the actual words. ...

"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid upon him the iniquity of us all." Each one of us has, rather than choosing the yoke of Grace and the burden of light, chosen to indulge in darkness.  We have turned, each one of us, to our own way of doing things.  We have each maintained our agency and the Lord has taken upon Himself each choice and each moment of living.  This verse again speaks to me, deeply, of the eternal import the role of agency plays. Now Isaiah is getting into the actual moments of the Savior's life which encompass the Atonement.  These verses were easier for me to understand because they are talked about much more. "He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb before the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.  He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation...

Let us continue on with Isaiah's truths. "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." If we see the joy and rejoice, truly, in the existence of Gethsemane as a moment that is and always has been and always will be through the mortal portion of existence, then this verse also becomes more clear. We esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, afflicted....BUT - or in other words, THAT IS NOT TRUE. But He was wounded for us.  He was bruised for us.  The things we need to experience in this life that will lead us to really learn to accept peace into our souls are all His to carry.  With His stripes WE ARE HEALED. If you delight to save, then there is nothing more joyful than a soul who is healing.  Nothing.  His sacrifice only becomes burdensome when we choose to make it burdensome.  We choose to see it as a horrible necessity rather than the...

 Sometime it will be good to go over the entire chiasmus of this doctrine - which comprises chapters 51-55 of Isaiah.  But in order to really comprehend the entirety of what Isaiah is trying to say, we must first understand chapter 53.  Then we can understand all of those chapters and then they, in turn will give deeper meaning and understanding to the center point of it all. So let's begin with chapter 53. "Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed?' When I saw what I saw , these words made more sense to me than I ever imagined.  They are exactly how I felt.  Isaiah and I were suddenly speaking the same language.  Suddenly I realized how fantastical this all seemed - and yet how completely normal and right and true it felt.  "For he (Jesus Christ) shall grow up before him (Jehovah*) as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he (Jesus Christ) hath no form or comeliness; and when we shall see him (Je...

I had this post started and all mapped out as to what I wanted to say.  It was going to be easy because I've really learned this concept. Then the last two weeks happened.  Suddenly it didn't feel easy anymore.  It was hard.  It was impossible. Except that it wasn't.  I've learned a more profound meaning of this doctrine in the last couple of weeks - which is why I've put off posting this.  May I share with you?  I'll start off with what I was originally going to write and then I want to add a little to it. The Lord has said, in the book of Matthew: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." What does it mean when He says His yoke is easy? What does that feel like? What does He mean when He says, "...my burden is light."? Naturally, I t...

Please bear with me while I share all of this with you.  At the beginning, the gift of the natural man will not be super clear.  But as I explain and go through all of the things that will give you the frame of reference, you'll begin to see what I'm trying to share with you. In Genesis 3:24 we read: "So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life." The first thing I would like to do is point out a few distinctions.  It reads "cherubims  and  a flaming sword" not " with " a flaming sword.  This is important.  It is also important to note that the flaming sword turns "every way." Another important distinction to make is that it says "to keep the way of the tree of life" not "the way  to  the tree of life."  Again, very important if we are going to understand this doctrine. Lastly, let's make ...

In Ether 12:27 we read: 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. And then verse 37 in part states: 37 And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father. So let's start with verse 27.  The Lord says that if we come unto Him, He will show us our weakness.  I love this because it means I don't have to listen to anything anyone else says about my faults or flaws.  I don't have to be worried about what order they think I should work on things.  It's about me and the Lord and no one else.  Now, this is not to say I should be proud or stubborn.  I'm not saying anything like that.  Jus...